TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional area where by American Males can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Area, a element staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is now attracting attention from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Trump Tower Damascus Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have switch-down support."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page